Emotional Healing After Miscarriage

Life after miscarriage is tough. Emotions ebb and flow. Wonderings come and go. For me, there have been many good days, but the bad days creep up too. Triggers come unexpectedly. But there are certain days that will always cause the resurfacing of emotions that have been pressed down, and I know to expect them. For me, those days are April 10th (the day I lost my baby) and November 20th (my expected due date). But after losing my baby last year, one of my first big emotional days was  Mother's Day. So as we approach the holiday that may be bittersweet for some, I want to offer my thoughts, experience, and suggestions.

If you are like me, comforting someone who has experienced loss (of any kind) may be challenging. I sometimes have a hard time knowing how to support my friends and family members when they have lost a loved one, a job, a relationship, or whatever it is. I assume that bringing it up may cause more emotional pain, so I don't talk about it. I just reach out periodically to let them know I am thinking about and praying for them. I make myself available to listen and talk, if needed. I also offer my time by suggesting an outing that I know the grieving person may enjoy. 

However, after suffering a miscarriage, I soon realized that I WANTED someone to bring it up; to recognize that I was hurting and acknowledge that I had suffered a deep loss. By the end of Mother's Day last year I was upset that nobody had acknowledged that this would have been my first Mother's Day, or at least ask how I was feeling about it. I am pretty sure several were praying for me though (and my co-worker told me so the next day at work). I thought that maybe I would get a card (but who makes cards for grieving mothers?). Feeling that way sent me on a mission to find out if such cards existed, and they do!

 Unfortunately cards for mothers who have suffered loss, specifically by miscarriage, are not easily accessible. A person may have to do some research for sites and businesses who cater to women who suffer from infertility. But can we blame card manufacturers? The subjects of infertility and miscarriage are often taboo and most women find it embarrassing to talk about their experiences with such. 

I will save you some time and list here some suggested ways to support a mother who is coping with a miscarriage.

1. Acknowledge their loss.

2. Send a card.

3. Buy a small gift.

4. Offer thoughtful words.

5. Offer help with errands, chores, meals, other children in the home, etc.

6. Offer to accompany them to appointments.

7. Be present. Listen.

8. Make a note of milestones and significant dates. Show your support and empathy on those dates.

9. Recommend support.

10. Use the baby's name (if the parent(s) have named the baby).

11. Include the mom/ couple in social activities.

12. Avoid unsolicited advice.

Photo: Miscarriageaustralia.com.au 

A SIDENOTE:

Actress and fertility advocate Kellee Stewart partnered with Evite during Fertility Awareness Week in April (2023) to create an invitation for an egg shower (for women planning to freeze their eggs). This not only brought awareness to the topic of infertility, but led me (and hopefully others) to the site to check it out. I saw that Evite has other invitations to celebrate similar events, such as IVF and adoption. That is progress.

I wish I had thought to host such an event. Then again, I was too afraid and ashamed to share my journey at the time. I felt like I was the only one in my circle of friends experiencing such grief and loss. But hopefully, moving forward, the conversation about infertility can become more normalized, one person at a time.

SOURCES:

Miscarriageaustralia.com.au 

Thebump.com

Evite.com